Yesterday...

Apparently my children are teachers pets. Alex has received two cards from her teacher so far this summer and Brianna received her first yesterday. Brianna reads the card and was a little shocked about who it was from...

After a moment of thought, she exclaimed, "How did she find our mailbox?!?!"

.....

Yesterday I took my daughters to the lake to work with them on swimming. Alex wants to see how long she can hold her breath under water.

She says, "Count Mississippis, Dad."

So I do.

She comes up and asks, "How long was it?"

"Twelve seconds."

"No, Dad. How many Mississippis?"

.........

Apparently I haven't given cats the credit they deserve. This would've made a much better scene in Office Space.

"Cats use fax as toilet, spark house fire


Jun 10, 10:04 AM (ET)


TOKYO (Reuters) - Two kittens picked the wrong place to relieve themselves when they urinated on a fax machine, sparking a fire that extensively damaged their Japanese owner's house.

Investigators in the western city of Kobe have concluded that the fire in January was caused by a spark generated when the urine soaked the machine's electrical printing mechanism.

The fire damaged the kitchen and living room before it was put out by the house's owner, who was treated for mild smoke inhalation, said Masahito Oyabu, a fireman at the Nagata fire station in central Kobe.

The kittens quickly ran to safety, he added.

"If you have a cat, or a dog for that matter, be careful where they urinate," Oyabu said. "Especially keep them away from electrical appliances and wires." "

......

An old lady takes her German Shepherd to the vet. The vet checks the dog over and says, "Ma'am, this dog is perfectly healthy. What's the problem?"

"He keeps humping me," the old lady says.

"Oh, I see," says the vet. "Do you want me to have him fixed?"

"NO!" she says turning to lift her blouse up her back, "Trim his nails, these fucking scratches are killing me."


.....

I'm sending out two father's day cards and thinking...why waste the stamp and the cards. I mean, I usually get a card, read it and pitch it. I don't even let it set on the table for an hour or so (unless the giver is right there). I just don't get cards, ceremony or clowns.

.......

When I was 8 or 9 or so, I LOVED Fruit Loops. We were poor, very poor...and I wasn't usually allowed to get that kind of cereal. On Saturday afternoon my mom came home with groceries and in it was FRUIT LOOPS (insert beggin' strips commerical voice there). I was fucking stoked!

But I couldn't have any for dinner. :( Fuggin' parents.

The next morning I was primed. I'd dreamt all night about eating FRUIT LOOPS and sopping up the sugary-slice-of-heave-milk at the end. Oh man, I couldn't wait.

I walk into the kitchen and of all things my mom is making breakfast. She NEVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER cooked breakfast.

"Can I have Fruit Loops instead," I asked.

"No, I'm making ham and eggs."

It was intentional. They were fucking with me. They wanted to send me over the edge, to the looney-bin with you kid. No FRUIT LOOPS for you!

I ate the damn ham and eggs. They were horrible, disgusting...worst thing ever. I was pissed. PISSED. I was RAGED...I'm talking Braveheart rage here.

We went to stupid church after breakfast. I fumed the whole way. Sitting in church I started getting sick. My dad told me to go sit in the car.

I did.

Then I puked fourteen times the volume of ham and eggs consumed all over the floor of the car.

Take that!